JOURNEYING THROUGH GRIEF

Concepts of Death by Age

Before we can even begin one of the hardest conversations of our lives, we need to know what kids are capable of understanding. Naturally, most of their comprehension regarding death and loss depends on their age and experience–and we need to explain things accordingly.

The finality of death is hard for anyone to accept. But for very young children, who have no understanding of mortality, they are simply unaware that death exists.

A 3-year-old, for example, might be unable to grasp that her deceased grandfather is “gone forever” as she’s been told. She may even ask when he’ll be returning.

Young children are also ego-centric by nature and may think they have caused or can control death or loss. This is concerning because they might feel guilty or responsible for what happened.

If an older sibling dies, a younger 4-year-old brother might think it was the mean look he gave him or the harsh words he said under his breath that caused his death.

Whether or not we introduce religion to young children, the concept of heaven, the soul, and an after-life can also be confusing. Most young children are very literal (particularly those diagnosed with autism), and abstract concepts–especially the idea of a person being in heaven and buried in the ground at the same time–don’t come easily to them.

Slightly older children still grapple with the finality of death. Like younger kids, they may also think they can influence or cause death with thoughts or actions. They may even believe they can avoid their own mortality.

Children this age might connect unrelated incidents to explain loss. If a 6-year-old watched The Nightmare Before Christmas the day her friend died, she may think–without being told otherwise–that the movie caused her friend’s death.

Grief can grow in intensity for kids this age as they’re old enough to understand death as inescapable and irreversible. This means they may become fearful of their own death or the death of additional loved ones.

At the same time, though, children in this age group are becoming more capable of looking beyond themselves. They may worry about how their family members and loved ones are coping.

They also want to understand and make sense of death, and will likely ask more detailed, difficult questions.

Pre-adolescents have learned enough about the human body and basic biology to grasp how a body physically dies; whether it’s from old age, injury, or disease. Coincidently, though, their fear of death further increases.

Luckily, this age group can better understand that death and loss isn’t their fault, but may still need reminding and/or professional guidance. This is especially dependent on the situation and how the death or loss occurred.

Teenagers, in their final stretch towards adulthood, generally acknowledge death in its entirety. They are also ready to explore the philosophical meaning of life.

Also, with their growing freedom and privacy, teenagers may process their grief more independently than younger children.

Since every child’s ability to process death is different, how can we explain what we barely comprehend ourselves? Where can we possibly start?

No matter your child’s age, it’s important to begin by finding a safe and secure environment. While the explanation should come soon after a loved one’s passing–so that children don’t hear it from other, less personable sources (and so that they understand why you’re acting differently, or sad)–it can at least wait until they’re home from school and away from the public eye.

Next, it’s important to hold the child or offer some form of physical affection while delivering this news. If it’s our 4-year-old daughter, we can pull her up on our lap and hug her. If it’s our reclusive teenager, we can put a hand on his shoulder. This, beyond the comfort of a quiet and familiar physical environment, will help our kids feel safe and sheltered while hearing difficult information.

If the death or loss isn’t sudden, we can ask our child what she may already know. Maybe she was aware that auntie was sick and suffering, or maybe she wasn’t.

Then, we can explain what our kids need to know.

While it might be hard to suppress our own strong emotions, it’s best to be calm, stay as reassuring as possible, and use simple, matter-of-fact explanations.

If we say “Auntie went to sleep forever,” our young daughter will be confused. Children know that after sleeping, we wake up. Plus, if we explain death in this way, our daughter may develop an unfortunate and irrational fear of sleep.

Instead, we can be more direct and say, “Auntie’s body got very sick and it stopped working. She can’t breathe, eat, walk, or feel anything anymore.”

Although it might seem too harsh, these facts, when presented sensitively and directly, are reasonable and acceptable explanations to children of all ages.

Once we’ve told our children what they need to know, we can transition to asking what they’d like to know. Even the youngest children will probably ask questions we can’t answer. It’s always ok to say, “I don’t know.”

Children may want to hear the same information repeatedly in order to accept what has happened. Or, they may not have any questions at all. It’s also possible their questions will come later–in a few days, months, or even years. And if kids don’t ask for details, details don’t need to be given. They’ll ask questions when they’re ready to hear them.

Part of asking our kids what they want to know can also be asking them who they want to know; that is, which of their friends or acquaintances they’d like to share the news with. We should encourage them to confide in anyone they’d like.