JOURNEYING THROUGH GRIEF
Support and resources for healing from the death of a loved one whether recently or long ago.
JOURNEYING THROUGH GRIEF
Support and resources for healing from the death of a loved one whether recently or long ago.
CHILDREN AND GRIEF
Ten Things Grieving Children Want You To Know
1. Children want to be told the truth about the death:
- Tell them in age-appropriate and direct language
- Ask them if they have any questions and clear up misconceptions
2. Children look to you as a role model for how people grieve:
- Share your feelings with them as long as they are relieved of the task of having to “fix it”
- Each child will grieve in their own unique way
- They will grieve alone in an effort to shield you from their pain
3. Children want to talk about their person who died:
- They need you to tolerate listening when they tell their story or share their feelings
- They fear that they will forget their loved one
4. Children express their emotions through play and behaviors which may be problematic for you:
- They can’t always tolerate intense emotions or know how to talk about them
- They might make decisions you don’t agree with
- They need to take breaks from their grief and engage in age appropriate activities.
5. Children need to know who would take care of them if you could not:
- They may fear for your safety especially when you are apart
6. Children benefit from being included in mourning rituals:
- Your child needs the opportunity to participate in ongoing rituals
- Rituals aid in their understanding of death
7. They need you to help them feel safe:
- Provide clear and consistent boundaries, limits and expectations
- Give them room to safely interact with peers and adults outside of the family
8. They need to be taught coping strategies:
- Include ways to comfort themselves in your absence
9. Children need to be included when making decisions:
- About how to celebrate holidays, birthdays and anniversaries
- About other family circumstances such moving or changing schools.
10. Children need you to take care of yourself: they will only adapt as well as you do.
CHILDREN'S AGE APPROPRIATE UNDERSTANDING OF DEATH
Concepts of Death by Age
Before we can even begin one of the hardest conversations of our lives, we need to know what kids are capable of understanding. Naturally, most of their comprehension regarding death and loss depends on their age and experience–and we need to explain things accordingly.
Preschool (Ages 2-5)
The finality of death is hard for anyone to accept. But for very young children, who have no understanding of mortality, they are simply unaware that death exists.
A 3-year-old, for example, might be unable to grasp that her deceased grandfather is “gone forever” as she’s been told. She may even ask when he’ll be returning.
Young children are also ego-centric by nature and may think they have caused or can control death or loss. This is concerning because they might feel guilty or responsible for what happened.
If an older sibling dies, a younger 4-year-old brother might think it was the mean look he gave him or the harsh words he said under his breath that caused his death.
Whether or not we introduce religion to young children, the concept of heaven, the soul, and an after-life can also be confusing. Most young children are very literal (particularly those diagnosed with autism), and abstract concepts–especially the idea of a person being in heaven and buried in the ground at the same time–don’t come easily to them.
Early Childhood (Ages 5-7)
Slightly older children still grapple with the finality of death. Like younger kids, they may also think they can influence or cause death with thoughts or actions. They may even believe they can avoid their own mortality.
Children this age might connect unrelated incidents to explain loss. If a 6-year-old watched The Nightmare Before Christmas the day her friend died, she may think–without being told otherwise–that the movie caused her friend’s death.
Middle Childhood Years (Ages 7-10)
Grief can grow in intensity for kids this age as they’re old enough to understand death as inescapable and irreversible. This means they may become fearful of their own death or the death of additional loved ones.
At the same time, though, children in this age group are becoming more capable of looking beyond themselves. They may worry about how their family members and loved ones are coping.
They also want to understand and make sense of death, and will likely ask more detailed, difficult questions.
Pre-Adolescents (Ages 10-12)
Pre-adolescents have learned enough about the human body and basic biology to grasp how a body physically dies; whether it’s from old age, injury, or disease. Coincidently, though, their fear of death further increases.
Luckily, this age group can better understand that death and loss isn’t their fault, but may still need reminding and/or professional guidance. This is especially dependent on the situation and how the death or loss occurred.
Teenagers
Teenagers, in their final stretch towards adulthood, generally acknowledge death in its entirety. They are also ready to explore the philosophical meaning of life.
Also, with their growing freedom and privacy, teenagers may process their grief more independently than younger children.
Explaining the Unexplainable
Since every child’s ability to process death is different, how can we explain what we barely comprehend ourselves? Where can we possibly start?
No matter your child’s age, it’s important to begin by finding a safe and secure environment. While the explanation should come soon after a loved one’s passing–so that children don’t hear it from other, less personable sources (and so that they understand why you’re acting differently, or sad)–it can at least wait until they’re home from school and away from the public eye.
Next, it’s important to hold the child or offer some form of physical affection while delivering this news. If it’s our 4-year-old daughter, we can pull her up on our lap and hug her. If it’s our reclusive teenager, we can put a hand on his shoulder. This, beyond the comfort of a quiet and familiar physical environment, will help our kids feel safe and sheltered while hearing difficult information.
If the death or loss isn’t sudden, we can ask our child what she may already know. Maybe she was aware that auntie was sick and suffering, or maybe she wasn’t.
Then, we can explain what our kids need to know.
While it might be hard to suppress our own strong emotions, it’s best to be calm, stay as reassuring as possible, and use simple, matter-of-fact explanations.
If we say “Auntie went to sleep forever,” our young daughter will be confused. Children know that after sleeping, we wake up. Plus, if we explain death in this way, our daughter may develop an unfortunate and irrational fear of sleep.
Instead, we can be more direct and say, “Auntie’s body got very sick and it stopped working. She can’t breathe, eat, walk, or feel anything anymore.”
Although it might seem too harsh, these facts, when presented sensitively and directly, are reasonable and acceptable explanations to children of all ages.
Be Open to Questions, but Don’t Pry
Once we’ve told our children what they need to know, we can transition to asking what they’d like to know. Even the youngest children will probably ask questions we can’t answer. It’s always ok to say, “I don’t know.”
Children may want to hear the same information repeatedly in order to accept what has happened. Or, they may not have any questions at all. It’s also possible their questions will come later–in a few days, months, or even years. And if kids don’t ask for details, details don’t need to be given. They’ll ask questions when they’re ready to hear them.
Part of asking our kids what they want to know can also be asking them who they want to know; that is, which of their friends or acquaintances they’d like to share the news with. We should encourage them to confide in anyone they’d like.
VIOLENT DEATH
When death comes tragically through suicide or murder, it’s important to explain what happened as matter-of-factly as possible with honest–yet minimalist–description.
OUR PURPOSE
Feeling alone, overwhelmed, confused, and exhausted is common during times of grief. Journeying Through Grief Bereavement Ministry provides a safe space for individuals coping with the death of a loved one. Whether the death is recent or occurred long ago, this ministry offers a supportive environment where one can share their pain with others who understand the journey of grief.
Grief is a transformative and ongoing process that impacts us deeply. Through the support of Journeying Through Grief, individuals can integrate their grief into their lives and move forward. The ministry provides a range of services including individual and family support, group sessions, bereavement ministry training, retreats, and more.
Based in Whittier, CA, Journeying Through Grief extends its services to other parishes and groups based on their specific needs. For more information or inquiries, please reach out to Cathy Narvaez at bereavement.ministry@yahoo.com or (562) 631-8844.
Cathy has been a bereavement minister in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles since 2006 working with grieving families and individuals. She has trained through the Archdiocese of Los Angeles and Archdiocese of Atlanta.
What are Worden's Four Tasks of Mourning?
Task 1: Accept the reality of the loss
This task deals with therapists’ efforts to assist the survivors with believing the impossibility of reunion, at least in this life. The searching behaviour is directly connected to this task. There are paramount considerations, including denial of the loss facts, selective forgetting, mummification, religion spiritualism (i.e., the hope for a reunion with the deceased), denial of the death irreversibility, and “middle knowledge”.
Task 2: Process the pain of grief
The survivor needs to analyse the pain of loss to fulfill the pain process and inhibit suppressing or ignoring the pain. Survivors can prevent this task by not feeling, geographic cure, using alcohol or drugs, idealizing the deceased, and avoiding reminders of the deceased. Insufficient fulfillment of this task could then result in a more problematic return and pass the pain that has been inhibited.
Task 3: Adjust to a world without the deceased
In this task, three realms of adjustment should be taken into account after a loss, including internal adjustments (the impact of the loss on one’s sense of self), external adjustments (the impact of the loss on one’s everyday functioning in the world), and spiritual adjustments (the influence of the loss on one’s values, beliefs, and assumptions about the world).
Task 4: help the survivors find an appropriate place for the deceased in their emotional life
This task is intended to provide a place that helps the survivors to lead a fruitful life in the world. William Worden has interpreted this task as “finding a way to remember the deceased while embarking on the rest of one’s journey through life”.
CONTACT ME
Questions or Comments
(562) 631-8844 - CALL/ TEXT/PAY/DONATE
Email - bereavement.ministry@yahoo.com
Journeying Through Grief
Whittier, CA, USA
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